Day 20 Kidney stones and relationships.

Rest,

Exhausticated!

Spent the day snoozing and attempting to figure out why I have kidney stones.

Is it nutritional, lifestyle, psychological, emotional?

I think all four but as with any illness the psycho emotional causes underly any effects.

Diane Shapiro’s great book, Your body speaks your mind, suggests fear and emotional insecurity are the main culprits.

These are difficult issues  to deal with.

For a start what exactly is emotional insecurity?

Ok, just googled it and now have a clearer understanding of what emotional insecurity means.

Basically a lack of confidence in oneself. Looking to others to provide emotional energy rather than generating it oneself.

I think we all have our moments of insecurity. I admit I am insecure about aspects of myself.

I think personally, I had two relationships in a row which ended badly.

I have tended to go for strong women who will teach me a lot about myself.

I was left with negative energy dumped on me in both cases.

In my more recent relationship I decided to go for someone a bit less exacting. This was easier for me, but a little dull.

Though she was genuinely a nice person with a good heart I think we were unmatched when it came to emotional intelligence and emotional communication. I found this mis match too frustrating.

So I decided to have a break from relationships. Its been nearly a year.

My kidney stones suggest I have unexpressed anger and I agree. Both earlier relationships ended without closure and with the women intentionally trying to hurt me. I decided to just walk away in both cases and not attempt to hurt them back. Maybe I should have been stronger? I don’t see how I could have handled the situations differently.

I have definitely lost confidence in myself.

At 37 the desire for emotional embroilment feels like it is diminishing slightly.

My fear is that any relationship I go into may become emotionally damaging and draining, which will outweigh the good stuff that relationships bring, intimacy, love, sharing, tantric exploration, bliss etc.

Though I know this is an irrational fear, it is still there. I guess I am just feeling jaded.

I am not sure whether to start dating again and find someone to grow with or to stay single for a while and grow myself.

Any way I hope exploring this topic through this blog can help me to sort out my kidney problems…

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Day – 19 Passing a kidney stone

Have been feeling physically exhausted the last few days, aching and generally uncomfortable. Decided to have a break for 48 hours and see how I feel.

Have been experiencing sporadic kidney pain for he last 7 months. One morning I woke in agony and had to phone an ambulance. At the hospital they gave me pain killers but an x-ray didn’t reveal anything. A shaman friend told me it was kidney irritation and to eat lots of fresh pineapple which is an enzyme bomb. Have had reoccurrences of pain on and off for a while now.

Anyway last night severe pain again. Had to take some pain killers to sleep. In morn wasn’t sure whether to go doctors or hospital. Decided to go hospital. They said they were booked out and I should come back tomorrow. Something told me to just go home.

Got home and passed a large kidney stone!

I feel elated! Like a mother must feel after giving birth!

I have carried this stone around for 7 months!

Jokes aside I am just glad to know what the problem was.

Let me tell you passing kidney stones is  painful! An 11 mm kidney stone is no joke.

Back to pranayama tomorrow!