Day 20 Kidney stones and relationships.

Rest,

Exhausticated!

Spent the day snoozing and attempting to figure out why I have kidney stones.

Is it nutritional, lifestyle, psychological, emotional?

I think all four but as with any illness the psycho emotional causes underly any effects.

Diane Shapiro’s great book, Your body speaks your mind, suggests fear and emotional insecurity are the main culprits.

These are difficult issues  to deal with.

For a start what exactly is emotional insecurity?

Ok, just googled it and now have a clearer understanding of what emotional insecurity means.

Basically a lack of confidence in oneself. Looking to others to provide emotional energy rather than generating it oneself.

I think we all have our moments of insecurity. I admit I am insecure about aspects of myself.

I think personally, I had two relationships in a row which ended badly.

I have tended to go for strong women who will teach me a lot about myself.

I was left with negative energy dumped on me in both cases.

In my more recent relationship I decided to go for someone a bit less exacting. This was easier for me, but a little dull.

Though she was genuinely a nice person with a good heart I think we were unmatched when it came to emotional intelligence and emotional communication. I found this mis match too frustrating.

So I decided to have a break from relationships. Its been nearly a year.

My kidney stones suggest I have unexpressed anger and I agree. Both earlier relationships ended without closure and with the women intentionally trying to hurt me. I decided to just walk away in both cases and not attempt to hurt them back. Maybe I should have been stronger? I don’t see how I could have handled the situations differently.

I have definitely lost confidence in myself.

At 37 the desire for emotional embroilment feels like it is diminishing slightly.

My fear is that any relationship I go into may become emotionally damaging and draining, which will outweigh the good stuff that relationships bring, intimacy, love, sharing, tantric exploration, bliss etc.

Though I know this is an irrational fear, it is still there. I guess I am just feeling jaded.

I am not sure whether to start dating again and find someone to grow with or to stay single for a while and grow myself.

Any way I hope exploring this topic through this blog can help me to sort out my kidney problems…

Day 10 – Instructional Dreaming.

I have always been intrigued by dreams.

Around the age of 21 I read Carlos Castaneda, The art of dreaming. This book had a profound impact on me. I have kept a dream diary ever since.

I favour the Jungian school of dream analysis, read Carl Jung Man and his symbols, whose chief principle is that every person who appears in your dream is actually an aspect of your own self and the dream actions and scenarios reflect how you are acting in your life at the present time.

For example, I may dream of a sexy woman flirting with me and this would reflect some element of my feminine energy and own behaviour in the day or days which lead up to the dream.

I have become quite adept at dream analysis, my own and others, after years spent waking naturally without an alarm, exploring the lucid state, recapitulating the different dreams of a night and analysing them thoroughly.

When friends intimate a dream of theirs to me I usually understand it straight away my main consideration being if the friend in question is ready to hear what their unconscious has puzzlingly communicated to them and how most compassionately to break it to them.

My usual dreaming  has  been in four stages, which reflects the four stages of REM most people experience in a healthy nights sleep. So on waking I recall four distinct dreams, sometimes they blend into each other, but usually there are four separate dream episodes.

I am usually able to fully recall all four dreams and have habitualised the process of recording them upon waking.

Ayahuascan Shamans use ayahuasca for healing purposes. A visionary state is produced but the real learning comes afterwards, through dreams. where the spirit of ayahuasca teaches the Shaman how to heal a particular illness. The healing is transmitted through a song the spirit teaches the healer in a dream. These songs are called icaro and the more icaro a shaman knows the more powerful a healer he/she is.

Last night after ten days of constant prananyama four times a day I had a different type of dream.

This was an instructional dream.

Someone or something was attempting to teach me something.

Unfortunately this morning a loud mouth chose to have a loud phone call outside my building, disturbing my dream recollection on waking.

Typical.

What I do recall concerned energy. The dream suggested as humans we unconsciously split a single incoming cosmic energy into two types of energy, we could term these male and female for simplicity’s sake. This process happens naturally and we are not aware of it. The dream suggested that there is a way of instead of splitting the energy, we take it in an unbroken stream into one of our two channels, (ida or pingala) and in so doing we can learn to directly manifest and materialise whatever we desire into our lives.